• neil

Day 11 (28 March): Decisions, decisions

Tough love

“In writing a novel, when in doubt, have two guys come through the door with guns.” - Raymond Chandler

The Danes last week withdrew a plan to get citizens to report on coronavirus suspects. I applaud the respect for civil rights which led to this U turn. But I regret the dramatic possibilities:

Two hard-faced, trench-coat wearing, badge carrying thugs strode up to the tenement door and without so much as a cursory knock kicked it in.

“You feeling chesty today punk?”

In the interest of exactitude, and before one of you nit pickers points it out, what they really said was:

“Føler du måske ubehag i dit bryst? Har du en tør hoste eller en temperatur, venlige sir?”

But how could anybody understand that when not feeling well? Especially, when pronounced by somebody from Vesterbro.

In every crisis there is opportunity

I’m going into the wipe business with Joanne, a reader of this blog, who knows much more about toilet paper ply than you would think by just looking at her. Joanne wrote me recently suggesting I collect the fluff from my daughter’s guinea pigs and weave it into an alternative to toilet paper. In terms of making money out of the laws of supply and demand this is pure genius.

Of course I will need more guinea pigs so I have been slipping viagra into their chow and I remain optimistic - but there is a limit as to how fast they can breed - even when you show them naughty videos.

I am desperate to up production while the demand is still there. I have begun looking into the possibilities offered by lab grown guinea pig hair. But this takes money and a foothold in what is a rather specialised market niche.

Andrex initially wanted to invest with us to the tune of 60 % until Alfie chewed the legs off their puppy.

Since then Joanne sold the family pig and I’m earning extra money selling geraniums and dahlias as foodstuff (more on that later). Together we are investing all we have.

But it’s not enough, and neither of us has studied biotechnology since infant school, so we are now in talks with various American companies which are working on lab grown leather, lab grown milk and lab grown meat. The important thing is to be very careful to follow stringent lines of demarcation. Nobody wants to wipe their bottom with a beef burger.

When in doubt do nowt

I dreamt my neighbours were dead and that I caused a zombie takeover in my street.

It began innocently enough. I recently ordered a whole bunch of plants online as I thought planting them would keep me occupied and fit.

But hardly were they bedded in before I began thinking that instead of such things as Rosa Spinosissima, Saponaria ‘Betty Arnold’ and Persicaria Amplexicaulis ‘Firedance’ I would have done better to plant crisis food such as potatoes, carrots, beans and cauliflower.

Because, of course, none of the stuff I planted is edible. And I could really do with selling the excess produce to fund the guinea wipe venture.

And then it struck me (how clear thinking we can be when asleep), my neighbours all work in the city and don’t know a thing about fresh produce. Soooo - if I just prepare something from my plants, add a lot of spices, stick it in clingfilm, call it Italian and microwaveable, I can probably sell it.

But now that I’m awake - should I?

Keep safe, reach out and stay home

Big hugs!



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