• neil

Day 18 (4 April): He shouldn't be out by himself

None too bright

I'm not much of a joiner* but I am a member of a high risk group for this virus thingy.

Not “the elderly” or “those with a pre-existing condition” but “the uncoordinated and none too bright”.

I went to do some shopping today for a friend who is also in one of those groups - not the same one as me I hasten to add.

I wore a mask and latex gloves. It’s the first time I’ve worn latex on my hands children!

Firstly, I could hardly breathe. (Note to self - take seal off valve next time).

But thanks to my keep calm Boy Scout training I calculated I could get the 17 items on the list and be on my way with one lung still operational.

Secondly ..... when things start going wrong they seem to spiral.

I immediately found I couldn’t read the WhatsApp list. Not because I had forgotten how to read of course. But WhatsApp opens on a Facial Recognition basis. And it didn't recognise me disguised as Doctor Kildare (you are all too young).

So, faced with mission failure and death from oxygen deprivation I ripped the mask off. Decisively.

In so doing I snapped one of the elastic retainers which then whipped round and almost took an eye out. I wouldn’t mind so much but it was one of mine. You remember yesterday I mentioned that I keep an eye out for gerontology news? This is not what I meant.

It watered hugely and hurt so much I reached up with a hand to readjust and tamp down the eye ball and in doing so comprehensively smeared contaminated latex glove all over my eyes while pushing the hanging mask into my mouth.

It was the least fun I've had all week. Next time I’ll order the food on the internet and spray disinfectant directly onto my various mucus membranes. It won’t hurt as much and I’ll be in the comfort of my own home. I think I'm the exception - the one person who shouldn't be out by himself.

The limits of yoga

Driving home I was listening to a public health announcement telling me not to touch my face with my hands . A bit late for that .

But what are the available choices?

In spite of reaching Day 10 of Beginners Yoga with The Goddess on the TV Screen I am not yet overly supple.

I have gone from head to toe, in the most rigorous and scientific manner, to establish for you an inventory of prospective face touching body parts.

I can only report the absolute truth, sad as it might be - I genuinely could not touch my face with my elbows, my feet, my knees or my bottom.

So hands are the only available option Mr. Radio Man.

Musical Appreciation and Comparative Linguistics

As you now know, my cave echoes daily and gaily to the sound of me practicing the Dutch and Spanish for “My rhino loves Maltesers” and “Penguins can’t play chess”. I have, of course, written to Duolingo pointing out that penguins do understand the game but simply cannot reach the pieces.

Consequently, when proffered variety by Maxine in the form of a ditty I ripped it from her sweaty palm and now lay it before you your delectation.

Ladies and gentlemen, that ultimate language learning tool and musical magnum opus,

- the Moomin theme song in 17 languages.

If the melophiles on FaceBook didn’t enjoy “Right Said Fred” they might at least appreciate this.

* you should see the bookshelf I made

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