• neil

Day 21 (7 April): The Blame Game

I apologise in advance for any spelling mistakes. Everything is a bit blurred. I stood on my glasses yesterday which turns out to be a good way of changing the position and focus of the lenses. Now you know that it saves you from trying it for yourselves.

Let’s see if its gives me a different perspective:

You know my methods Watson...

I have so far avoided direct discussion of the underlying reason for our confinement but I am a tad vexed by the proliferation of vacuous conspiracy theories. I cannot sufficiently dull my several brain cells to be impressed by crack-pot plots crediting powers and governments with the will, motive, foresight, cohesion, competence and focussed attention to shoot themselves in the foot.

And I am a man who firmly believes in Father Christmas; a man who, together with the Prime Minister of New Zealand, is prepared to give the Easter Bunny the benefit of the doubt.

But if life loses all zest without a conspiracy let us take at least take a stroll through the possible villains. In conformity with the detective genre will ask ourselves who had the most to gain?

The pangolins

Pangolins couldn’t be behind this. They don’t use online accounts ands only work with cash. As you can see from the photographic evidence, they have no pockets and thus nowhere to keep cash. Ladies and gentlemen, pangolins have no case to answer.


Bats might or might not have pockets. But pockets would do them no good. They roost upside down and the money would fall out.

I do not think it is a member of the animal kingdom - it all too rarely is.


I think we will have to stick with the humans. And among humans I think we can dismiss the makers of gloves, masks and hand sanitisers as falling into the ‘too obvious’ category.

Watson wouldn't need Holmes for that.

And even though we have doubtless all bought beer, wine, ice cream and cookies - we do that in or out of confinement. Ditto for watching Netflix.

No. I think it is the flour mills working in conjunction with lentil farmers and risqué internet sites.

Did you ever, did you ever ever ever, buy flour or lentils before this business began?

And did you know there has been a massive upsurge, lead by the Danes, in the “consultation” of erotic internet sites. Hence my subtitle “Refill on Lust” - and wait for it .......

"Refill on lust" is an anagram of flour and lentils.

That, in the world of conspiracy theorists, constitutes absolute proof.

This afternoon I shall inform my local policeman, as he passes by on his bicycle, that he should be examining the flour/lentil/titillation nexus. If he encounters a lentil growing miller in a basque he should cuff and collar him. Or whatever it is they do on the telly.

More linguistics

Having just done some considerable planting I mentioned to one of my daughters that I would have no problems keeping the borders tidy because I have a hoe in the garage.

I really think my girls listen to too much rap.

I had to show them the bloody thing before they believed some poor women wasn’t hidden behind the washing machine.

I discovered today that there is a charming if slightly strange young lady called Kate Hartman who has made a device which permits plants to send a text message to a phone when thirsty. I am keen on using and expanding the possibilities of this device.

Ding. ’You and your dammed hoe get your asses out here”

Be kind, be loving and be there for your loved ones.



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