Day 26 (12 April): Oh for a Cadbury's cream egg!
We are nearly four weeks into our confinement here in Belgium and it is beginning to lose any attraction it might once have had. Little things show me that my personal operating system is becoming buggy and needs a reboot:
My dog Alfie is getting on my nerves. She repeats the same “stupid cat” jokes and she laughs so much she never gets to the punchline
I keep calling my smart speaker Alfie. I get really cross when neither the dog nor the speaker react. At least one of them could play my damn music
Porridge has become my favourite dish and I have started having it for lunch
I weed bare-handed for the sheer sensory thrill of nettle stings
I wash lawn mower parts in the dishwasher because who gives a fuck?
And I‘m spending Easter Sunday being thoroughly cross with myself. I have been working on the principle that if you don’t buy it you can’t pig out on it and I came away from my weekly shop on Friday with no wine, no cookies, no beer and no chocolate.
So now I’m at home on my teary lonesome with nothing to look forward to but another cat joke from Alfie. Oh, and some baked beans.
But, as we all seem to be saying rather often these days, I really shouldn’t grumble.
And to be entirely rational about it, while there are some new confinement related complaints showing up such as:
- “I can’t stand one more day stuck at home with the kids! If only I knew whose kids they were!”
- “I’m all by myself. The cat ran away and the budgie flew into the fan….”
There are many compensations. Many old complaints have completely disappeared with the advent (wrong time of year, I know) of our new confinement lifestyles:
- The colleague who wears too much perfume
- People who talk or munch during movies
- The woman exercising on the treadmill next to you who has been laughing into her phone for 20 minutes.
- The excuses you no longer have to find to refuse a dinner invitation
- The person in front at the supermarket till counting pennies - we are cashless now
- Being asked to introduce somebody whose name completely escapes you. And you have known them for seven years.
- Office parties
- Office everything
I’m sure the list is much longer. But without chocolate or cookies there will be no excès de zèle from me today.
I see President Trump is managing to distract attention from his previously stated intention to relax the strict social distancing rules by Easter.
He was probably relying on Easter being more of a moveable feast than it really is. Easter, as you know, is not like Christmas. There are bunnies but no reindeer. But that is not my point.
As the old saying has it “Snow in November, Christmas in December”.
Christmas doesn’t get to jiggle around. But Easter does. Easter is observed on the first Sunday after the Paschal Full Moon - which as you might not recall because you probably never gave it a second's thought - is the first full moon occurring after the vernal equinox. It doesn’t matter for the moment who Verne is.
So there is some flexibility there. Just not enough for the President.
But, give him his due, he’d got his teeth into this lunar business and he wasn’t going to let it go. He stuck terrier like with the moon! (Alfie dictated that bit).
Somebody must have told him that it isn't made of green cheese because on 6 April he signed an executive order which foresees a clear path to US lunar and other off-earth mining for minerals.
Am I the only one to see a further tie-in? Who makes the masks we covet? 3M - Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing.
Moon masks - you read it here first.
There is some good news. The Danes are proposing that children aged 11 and younger gradually start re-integrating school from Monday on.
There's the germ of an idea there. If we can just walk back a little social protection legislation the chimney cleaning business can be back on its feet in no time.
Happy Easter everybody!