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Day 28 (14 April): Transformations

Uncle NeeNee's 12 Rules of Revulsion

The idea that the minute after government imposed confinements are eased things will return to being the way they were seems more than a tad naive.

Risk is not negated by legislation or decree. Consequently, I for one will still be keen on maintaining social distancing until such time as I have received the vaccine and/or come into my superpowers.

I think most people will be reluctant to go straight back to crowded cinemas, buses, restaurants, cafés or line dancing classes. But if the full force of the law is not behind you how will you ensure that others keep their distance?

Of course, I would not tease you with this question were I not about to supply the answer.

The naive among you probably think it sufficient to be a touch shabbily dressed in unpressed and unwashed clothes. Just stop and think I beg of you. After the last few weeks everybody is shabbily dressed. So get obsessed and stay obsessed.

On finding yourself in a public space during the first heady post-confinement period make sure you follow Uncle NeeNee's 12 Rules of Revulsion

1. Make frequent and conspicuous use a nit comb.

2. Apply parsley between your upper front teeth. Extensive testing reveals this to be 32% more effective than putting it between the lower front teeth and 7 % less effective than leaving it hanging from a nostril. But there are limits.

You should not, of course, clean your teeth.

3. Use a supplementary halitosis inducer - if I haven’t got garlic I just chew on a handful of Alfie’s Six Fish dog biscuits

4. Wear a Trump University sweat shirt which you have previously worn during extensive heavy gardening. Think Armpits not Armani.

5. Do not fasten your flies. Why start now?

6. Incorporate one of those joke shop fart cushions inside your pants.

7. Wear sandals with open toes. Dirty toes are de rigeur. If you are really in the flow you can smear a touch of Camembert between those little piggies.

8. Ask people if they seek salvation and offer them a pamphlet. This can be any pamphlet you can get your hands on; if you are following these rules nobody is going to get close enough to read it.

9. Wear a charity mugger badge

10. Talk to an imaginary friend. Tell him to save his old needles for you.

11. Hum nursery rhymes and giggle

12. Ask the person opposite what they did with your unicorn

Or you could just tell people you are Welsh.

Skills learned

I feel that I should encourage you in your new found confinement hobbies and pursuits by reporting back on my own progress.

Having taken up knitting and producing that rather splendid cardigan, which I showed you in the Day 16 (2 April) blog, I decided I had taken that particular skill about as far as it could go and I went on to follow Magic 101.

As you can see from the photo, I managed, after only three lessons, to transform that cardigan back into the initial knitting kit in its original packaging!

Unforunately I suspect my self-sufficiency skills need a little polishing as the greens I have been tending still don't look sufficient to keep me nourished for any length of time.

Please keep sending the Cadbury's Cream Eggs.

So keep well, keep busy and tell somebody you love them.



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