Day 38 (24 April): The Dettol Detox
Sorry to be a bit late with the blog today but I have been very busy since waking and reading of President Trump’s recent virus fighting advice.
Brilliant idea. Brilliant Man. None more so. Should you not be au fait with the President's latest revelations, he has recommended using ultraviolet light or other bright light internally and drinking disinfectant as possible COVID-19 cures. Yes! An end to confinement! I leaped out of bed, took the stairs three at a time and went through my garage like a hurricane. Every draw emptied; but the the closest thing to an ultraviolet lamp was an inflatable Father Christmas. Clearly not close enough, although I have put Santa in a bedroom cupboard should the loneliness become intolerable. I did, however, find a lamp fitting, a piece of flex and a very bright, not-at-all-woke, fuck-the-environment lightbulb. Perfect!
After a half hour of online coaching from a previous partner on suppressing the gag reflex I managed to lower the bulb down my throat to illuminate my innards.
Please, if you retain only one thing from today's blog, retain this: It is critical to keep very still while doing this as the bulb is extremely hot and you risk cauterising your stomach.
I could only manage around 15 seconds on this first attempt. I suspect that performance will improve with training, but even so a minimum of two or three sessions a day will be necessary to completely eliminate the virus.
After a short break to clean the lamp I went on to try the President's advice relating to disinfectant. The order in which I did this was not random. Like the President I am scientific in my approach. I undertook the light treatment before the disinfectant treatment partly because I was afraid Dettol might be flammable and partly because the light bulb was non too clean. The disinfectant would sort that out.
The product I used, but do not recommend, is Dettol’s “Clean & Fresh Green Apples Multipurpose Spray Cleaner”. I did not spray it directly into my mouth of course; I sprayed it into a cup until I had 25 centilitres and then I drank it.
I suspect they aren’t using enough apples. They have a lot of work to do on the flavours if we are to drink the stuff in any quantity.
My hard-drinking, heavy-smoking brother doesn’t need the patented Trump Tummy Ticklers. My brother is to sport what the President is to medicine. And right now he is very smug, having read in the Grauniad that cigarette smokers are far less likely to get COVID 19. A report from the Pitié-Salpêtrière hospital in Paris states that the risk for daily smokers is “divided in five for ambulatory patients and by four for those admitted to hospital”.
Surely, if you are in the ambulatory you are near as damn it admitted to hospital? Be that as it may, my brother is scanning the papers like an eagle doesn’t in the hope of confirmation that ten pints a day of Coors Light ensures immortality.
I, on the other hand, do a lot of running, gym training, swimming, yoga and walking. And what do I learn in The Washington Post of 15 April?
“Arduous exercise can lower immunity, so don’t overdo it during the pandemic”.
My take on that ( I’m joining in with a conspiracy theory - I'm not going to be the only person without one) is that the newspaper’s owner, a certain Jeff Bezos, is trying to turn us into couch potatoes so that we order everything from Amazon while watching his TV programmes.
In the meantime, if you are missing out on hugs you can try this. I’m going to!
Keep strong and be kind.
Corrigendum: I must not have been fully awake when I read the news. The President would seem to prone injecting disinfectant rather than drinking it. I'm sure we all follow his reasoning but that's a tad too hard core for me.