• neil

Day 61 (17 May): Post posts

Updated: May 18, 2020

I received a message on Facebook this morning informing me that a friend is shutting down his “Music Videos for Self-Isolation” page as “with lockdown now ending this group has served its purpose”.

This raises three issues for me:

  1. Lockdown is ending? Why does nobody tell me anything? Were you all going to start going about your normal daily lives and leave me in my lonely cave chewing on the crust the rat left? Does this mean we can now go within hailing distance of other humans? Can I take off these pyjamas now?

  2. Served its purpose? My goodness, I now wonder if this blog should also have had a purpose. And if so, what could it have been? Clearly it was never going to solve world hunger or bring an end to nuclear proliferation but surely I could have gathered some of the low hanging fruit such as teaching New Zealanders how to pronounce vowels or negotiating the sale of Greenland to Donald Trump. Instead of which I have blathered on about lentils and guinea pigs, cowboys and black dogs.

  3. What am I going to do with all that time? I have been spending around two and a half hours a day writing this blog. I know. It doesn't show. But what am I going to do with all that time now? Should I squander it on a daily basis or save it up and do something useful? I'm thinking, for example, of a "How to Make Friends and Influence People" course. I rather like the idea of making friends. Its the creepy second bit that stops me. You make a friend and then as soon as you have established some kind of emotional dependency in them you zap them with your cunning mind games .

My goodness. Thats it! Mind games!

I can start a cult. I think I know how this is done. Just get extreme and stay extreme. Get them obsessed and keep them obsessed because reasonable just doesn’t cut the mustard. You don’t make people open-your-wallet-dependant by telling them:

“Get up when you want, there’s an all day breakfast bar. Wander over to the main hut when you’re ready and if you see something that appeals join in."

No. I’ll have the buggers up 30 minutes before dawn to greet the sun in front of a sixteen foot bust of me - without my glasses. Everybody will bow 16 times before my left nipple while chanting “Nee Nee needs me!”.

They will then turn to my right nipple and chant 32 times

“I am nothing without Nee Nee. Nee Nee's needs are my deeds!”

They will then partake of a frugal communal vegan breakfast. I want them miserable and keeping an eye on each other, and I'm not throwing money away on bacon and maple syrup. They will then be split up into five work parties - agriculture, the distillery, crafts, camp maintenance and domestic chores - depending on their skills. Each party will be taught to disdain and distrust the others. I'm warming to this.

On the sixth day they will be my house servants. This will be considered an honour and an accolade.

I will have my adjutants sell the agricultural produce, booze and crafts online and at farmers' markets. The rest of my income will come from the surrender of the novices' personal wealth as a sign of their commitment plus the income to be made from tourists who will pay handsomely as long as I keep them uncomfortable, fasting and chanting Om all day long.

There's no point in being a non-prophet organisation.

On the other hand I could not do any of the above and carry on dropping into your inbox every day for a while longer. The consequences are marginally less unpleasant. What do you think?

Be kind to those who believe in you and tolerant of those who don't!



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