Day 71 (27 May): Coughs and sneezes- business wheezes
I realised this morning that my car is getting old. Admittedly I had almost forgotten what it looks like, so little cause have I had to use it recently, but the present situation will not last forever and I should start earmarking funds.
Ideally I would like to get something from my friend Elon but, even at the knockdown price he will offer me between buddies, that’s still a lot of dollars.
So I took a look at Euromillions. Unfortunately, but perhaps not surprisingly, the odds are stacked against me. It would seem I have only a 1 in 139,838,160 chance of winning the jackpot. This is better odds than I would give you for guessing the name of Elon's next child but not solid enough for a downpayment.
So I sat down and thought of how best to earn a similar sum in a surefire way.
The answer came to me in a flash - make the first COVID vaccine.
There is a well prepared market for the product and no need to 'make a better mousetrap' - and anyway, I just don't see how a mousetrap would protect anybody against a virus.
If each dose earns me one euro commission I will have oodles of euros. I can get the new lawn mower too.
'Don't forget the tax!' I hear you say.
I understand where you're coming from but when you get past your first billion paying tax is optional.
You might think bursting into the vaccine business constitutes an ambitious plan from an organisational and structural point of view.But it is precisely in this sphere that I hold all the cards:
I have no overheads in terms of capital - I’m doing this in my kitchen using my own stove and fridge
I have no labour costs - I’m doing this by myself. Unless you count Alfie - but she is working unpaid and she doesn't know what a union is.
I don’t have to answer to shareholders
I am more flexible than big pharma. I can change tactics instantly.
So - structurally I’m already across the finishing line. It is just a question of finding the right recipe and a pretty logo. Of the two, it is the logo that worries me the most - I’m really not a gifted artist.
As far as the recipe is concerned how hard can it be?
Remember what Miss Needham taught you in infant school:
A vaccine is a biological preparation that provides active acquired immunity to a particular infectious disease. A vaccine typically contains an agent that resembles a disease-causing microorganism and is often made from weakened or killed forms of the microbe, its toxins, or one of its surface proteins. The heart of the matter then lies in obtaining the 'weakened or killed forms of the microbe'.
Here is the plan:
Find friend who has contracted COVID
Ask to borrow his or her handkerchief (I’ll wash it and give it back. Promise)
Beat the crap out of the handkerchief with the hammer (see photo)
Boil up the rag with the home made Cartegena 18° proof aperitif (see photo)
At this stage, it is possible you harbour doubts about step 4.
You might be asking yourself, 'Why bother making it taste good?'
Follow the thought through my little Cartesian friend…….because this vaccine is to be taken orally. I can’t expect you to know all the virological and epidemiological intricacies - you probably didn’t get your First Aid Badge in Boy Scouts like I did - but take it from me, this is the way to go.
The disease itself is contained in droplets which are spread by coughs and sneezes. We are going to fight droplets with droplets. I could package the vaccine in aerosol form but where would the fun be in that? You wouldn’t aerosol a dram of Talisker would you?
And here is the best bit. Where would you go for a wee dram? A bar or a pub!
I’m not just giving you a vaccine I'm giving you back your social life.
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