• neil

Day 9 (26 March): The Chicken Run

Animals seems to be the ‘fil rouge’ running through my posts. I have mentioned roadkill, bees, turtles, penguins, sheep, pangolins, hedgehogs and dogs.

And here I go again. Alfie is completely knackered. For the past few days I’ve had people queuing up to take her out for walks, which at first she loved; but ten walks a day have taken the edge off things for her. In case you think this unkind I would add that we are splitting the money.

Which leads me to some of the changes we are now becoming accustomed to:

Money: Wherever you go and whatever you buy you can only pay electronically, for hygiene reasons. I haven’t used a banknote in the last three weeks. I saw a 20 euro note in my bedside draw last night and it took me a few seconds to realise what it was. For the moment its just a piece of paper. This might well be one of the changes which remain. And not for hygiene reasons.

Back to the land: All vegetable seeds seem to be sold out and there seems to have been a run on chickens, which sounds rather cruel, but turns out to mean that people have been buying up all the live chickens they can lay (!) their hands on. Not content with Corvid 19 it would seem that we now aspire to bird flu and cholesterol-clogged arteries.

Keeping fit: People who were quite content to sit behind a desk all day and watch TV all night are now desperate to go walking and jogging. And chicken chasing. Which reminds me; my skipping rope arrived. My idea being that should the shutdown intensify I can keep fit indoors. The cord’s instructions explain how to dismantle the handles to alter cord length – to use it as it is I would have to be nine feet tall. And I'm only six foot two ladies. Turns out you need wire cutters. Which come from the DIY shop. Which is closed during the shutdown. The cord is plastic coated wire, not leather. I can’t even gnaw on the bloody thing for the protein when I get desperate.

I’m taking the easy way out. I’m going to sign up for Opus Dei and flagellate myself with it.

Morale boosting: Something I frequently hear on the wireless[1]. It is important for morale purposes to get out of bed early and dress as if for work. I have neighbours who are respectively a stripper, a footballer and a theme park character and I would love to be a fly on the wall.

Sanitary distance: Am I the only nutter who finds himself keeping a bigger distance than usual from the car in front? Is car flu a thing?

I’m now hearing that we should keep a distance of at least two meters between individuals (cars would do well to stay further apart). This is where the last of today’s animals comes in - and an expression I always found very odd at last comes into its own. It's just the space needed to swing a cat.

I leave you today with the wise words of the late Bob Monkhouse:

“Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless you have syphilis in which case it’s penicillin.”

Keep well, keep safe and look out for each other!



[1] Radio, for you youngsters

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