• neil

Day 87 (12 June): La vie d'artiste

'Alors on sourit, pour ne plus être triste

On peut se déguiser, on est tous des artistes'

Christophe Maé

Hi Guinea fans!

This is a pirate edition of the Insulation Report.

Neil is mooning around being lovesick, singing ‘Finland’, and being generally useless so we have taken the reins and we are going to let you in on our plans for fame and fortune.

We have discovered what we long suspected; being a guinea pig is like being a bug but with features. Oops got that wrong! Being a guinea pig is not a bug but a feature.

Did you know (we suppose you do not, otherwise we would not be setting it out here) that there is a series of very successful books resetting literary classics with guinea pigs as the heroes?

We have learned from the Guardian (Neil lines our cage with it) that retellings of ‘Pride and Prejudice’, ‘Oliver Twist’ and the Bible starring guinea pigs have sold more than a quarter of a million copies worldwide. Almost a thousand copies of ‘A Guinea Pig Romeo and Juliet’ are selling each week.

The Guinea Pig ‘Pride and Prejudice’, starring Molly and Hollie as Elizabeth and Mr Darcy, has even been praised by Salman Rushdie. ‘This may be the definitive version of Pride and Prejudice’, Rushdie said of the 50-page abridged version. 'If they could get War and Peace down to this length, it would be a service to mankind.'

Eureka! Freedom! We can earn some euros and get out of here. We have decided to leave the classics alone, Mollie and Hollie are already there, and go for a niche market - fairy stories. Kids love fairy stories and kids love guinea pigs; it has to be a winning combo.

We are starting off with 'Little Red Riding Hood'. Loempia is cast as Little Red Riding Hood and I am taking on the role of Grandma. Alfie has been co-opted to play the Big Bad Wolf.

Unfortunately, she is something of a tease and instead of wearing a cloth granny cap keeps pitching up to rehearsals in a viking helmet claiming she was told she would be playing Thor. When we complain she says we are Thor losers. Dogs always laugh at their own jokes which is why so few of them ever make it as professional comedians.

We had a bit of a set-back, in that we did not have any of the necessary period clothing. We cannot buy the stuff as nobody thought to give us credit cards and we cannot make it ourselves as the only equipment we have in our cage is that bloody silly toy carrot. So, problem; no clothing at all. And then, in a stunning piece of lateral thinking, Alfie (the helmet issue is now forgiven!) suggested we do the definitive NAKED version. Queue frissons! Red Riding Hood as you have never seen her before! Naked and furry.

We have all the ingredients for a blockbuster - and we save money!

The only down-side, and it is minor, is that we have had to scratch our scheduled version of ‘The Emperor's New Clothes’ as all the players would be naked and the point would be a bit lost. Even though it would be on display (Sorry. Loempia thought that would be funny).

Anyhow, if some of you readers happen to be guinea pigs, or identify as guinea pigs (we are totally PC here), we are auditioning for the rôle of Pig n° 3 in the 'Three Little Pigs'. You have a few days to decide as we are rewriting it. References to blowing houses are altogether unacceptable. The days are gone when you had to do that kind of thing to get on stage.

Don't overdo it with the radishes!



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