Day 17 (3 April): Diet, Dolly, dollies and dog
Diet I have ever been sensible to the call to keep young and beautiful and so have kept a sharp eye on the breakthroughs in gerontology reported in that specialist review, The Daily Mail.
I was delighted to learn, several years since, that a combination of resveratrol and MNMs slows the ageing process significantly. I have, BertieWooster style, passed the intervening years putting myself on the outside of a daily quota of three packs of sugar-coated sweeties and a half bottle of claret.
Imagine the chagrin, the despair, when informed that no quantity of alcohol is safe or beneficial and that resveratrol is best taken in pill form.
But that.....that was as nothing to the shock I received at breakfast, when one of The Previous Wives phoned to discuss the benefits of NMN Google subsequently revealed that nicotinamide mononucleotide, the nucleotide that melts in your mouth and not in your hand, does not come in chocolate form and never did.
I have since retrieved my good cheer.
The people living above the bottle bank are much happier and those fifteen kilos of extra weight now look like forward planning. Body stockpiling.
This said, the back-to-the-earth gardening I am doing is hard, sweaty work and few weeks on the (organic) geranium and dahlia diet will have me back down to fighting weight.
My friend Maxine has written from Chicago to tell me Dolly Parton will be reading Children’s stories in a programme to be called "Good Night with Dollie". Which I have no reason to doubt. It will certainly also be good news for little ones who need a break from drinking Dad's aftershave.
I do hope they give her a lectern or a desk because if she holds the book in front of her she’s going to topple over.
Talking of the top heavy, I mentioned to my son Gilles how I missed having a woman in my life. He very kindly sent me a link to Amazon for an inflatable Mrs. Neil. I will spare you the picture, it was more than a touch sinister.
But she came (sorry), with a beret. I wonder for how many men the beret is part of the selection criteria?
I still want a real wife, but while on my search I'm going to pay much more attention to the milinary aspects.
Finally for today, I have been asked by Joanne what recommendations I can give for hair care during confinement. I consulted Alfie who, of the two of us, is always the better groomed.
She says she is very happy to give grooming a break - and so would I be if they attached a strap under my back legs and showered me naked on a table. Sorry Joanne.