Day 7 (24 March): Dump those Colgate shares
I can now estimate two metres to within three millimetres. But on the daily walk I keep crossing people (space invaders!) who seem oblivious to my personal bubble. So I have taken to singing nursery rhymes. It is amazing the wide berth people give to a sixty-something bloke singing Baa Baa Black Sheep. If you can’t remember any nursery rhymes Paul McCartney songs seem to work just as well. And I was wise not to put Alfie on the menu until Day 29 because she did something inspirational this morning. She rolled in unidentifiable gunk on the side of the path; you really wouldn’t have wanted her within virus spitting distance. I didn’t roll on the ground myself as I might not have been able to get up again, but the younger ones among you might want to have a go.
The new minimalism
As I was sprucing up to face the bright new day I was struck by all the nice smelling gunk I have. As we saw above, stinky is the new black, repellant is the way to go. Not only does it make sense to no longer over-do my natural sexual attraction but I have realised that I can save a small fortune by no longer buying deodorant, perfume and fresh breath mints. It is all money which would be better spent on wipes, face masks, latex gloves, latex anything, disinfectant, chocolate coated pecan nuts and hedgehog snares. With the rules in play I might as well rub garlic under my arm pits. And unless the people at Colgate wake up to the new realities you should sell your stock right now. We need tooth blackener and the Colgate Ring of Repulsion. Neck ties have been fighting a rearguard action for some time, but you should now get rid of suits, sensible shoes, shirts and shreddies. A word to the wise Hugo - do a line in jammies.
Fool that I was. I imagined that back- to-back Peaky Blinders would be bliss. I spent the first four days of isolation (for which there is no report) in a blur of onanism and Netflix. Well, there’s only so much television you can watch. Since then life has flipped. Leisure is the day job and work the light relief. I am now so happy to chill of an evening with bills, emails and administration. I have also gained a new sense of purpose in writing to you. And fattening up Alfie.
Keep connected with those you love!