Day 8 (25 March): A Trapper’s Tale
03:00 hours. That dreaded time of night when fears mug you.
I lurched out of sleep with the shocked realisation that Wuhan spelled backwards becomes Nahuw. I have no idea what that signifies but that’s probably just something else they are keeping from us. Memo to self: Must phone Donald.
And then, of course, I just couldn’t get back to sleep. Which is a bloody good thing (isn’t it clever how the mind works?) because the Nahuw breakthrough made me realise how close I had come to disaster. Bugger! The hedgehogs!*
Those of you with any memory to speak of will recall that yesterday I made a passing reference to hedgehog snares. I had thought it wise to supplement my meagre diet of pine nuts and lard with some fresh (sautéed) hedgehog meat. But that, dear friends, is how this whole business started. The virus leaped from beast to man. And what works for pangolins works for hedgehogs - or so I have always been told. Wearing only the bottoms of my Disney Prince pyjamas and hastily glueing iPhone to forehead in lieu of a torch (Memo to self: don’t use wood glue next time) I dashed into the undergrowth oblivious to scratches and maliciously placed dog poo (I forget nothing Alfie) I recuperated all but one of my snares. Unfortunately the last snare had been dragged from its anchor and was nowhere to be found. So if you see a particularly muscular hedgehog in your garden - do not eat it. Liberate it from the wire around its ankle and return the wire to me. I plan on attaching a bit of lard to one end and luring Alfie into the oven.
Maintaining access to supermarkets, pharmacies and medical services I understand. But hairdressing salons? "What did you do during the war Daddy?"
"Well son , I did a lot of fade and taper, quiffs, comb overs and buzz cuts. But we were seriously hampered by a lack of repair shampoo and volumizing conditioner. You youngsters wouldn’t understand". I’ll leave you to get back to my two main occupations:
• Counting crows - I hide when I hit the upper teens
• Sending smilies in return to WhatsApp videos of singing Italians.
Keep connected with those you love!
* Hedgehogs are equipped with spines in the event that the above phrase is read as an instruction without heed to the punctuation.